A Light In The Dark
by SomeoneElsesDream
Summary: What’s worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful, or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Samcentric


1**Title:** A Light In The Dark  
**Author:** SomeoneElsesDream

**Rating: **T for tissues and tears  
**Disclaimer:** All I own is debt . . . you can take that anytime you like. The song is Everlast – Put Your Lights On. The summary is from Grey's Anatomy because I can't come up with something profound on my own.

**Author's Note: **This is for groundedsouls as she left such a nice challenge. Hope you like it sweetie!! It started out as a tag for Heart but took on a mind of it's own. It's more of a glimpse into the heart of Sam than anything else.

**Summary:** What's worse, new wounds which are so horribly painful, or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we've been and what we've overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That's what we like to think. But that's not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

Sam was seventeen years old when he lost his virginity. It was probably the first big thing he didn't share with his brother, before or after the fact. Her name was Brianne Taylor and she was the smartest girl in his AP English class, which is not something his brother would have approved of as a standard. It was soft, and sweet, and more than a little awkward. Sam still smiles when he thinks about it, which isn't often anymore.

_**Hey now, all you sinners**_

_**Put your lights on**_

_**Put your lights on**_

They had been dating for almost four months before she came to his bed. It never occurred to him to be bothered by this, the waiting was just part of why he loved her so much. Jessica Moore was the love of his life; the one person he felt supported him completely, trusted him implicitly, and gave him the faith to go on. In her arms he could forget the monsters, forget the training, forget a life of blood and fear. In her bed he could be reborn, made stronger by the light she gave with every smile. He misses her smile most of all.

_**Hey now, all you lovers**_

_**Put your lights on**_

_**Put your lights on**_

The first kill after she died almost destroyed him. As a kid the hunting had never been a choice, no one ever thought to ask him what he wanted to do. Coming back was something he did with his eyes wide open, Dean insisted on it. The blood was back on his hands and he no longer had a way to take it back, he was playing for keeps and losing a little more of himself everyday.

_**Hey now, all you killers**_

_**Put your lights on**_

_**Put your lights on**_

He doesn't remember his mother, how could he, she died when he was a baby. He knows she was beautiful, he saw that for himself, but he has no memories of her. When he was little, he used to tell himself he was a lot like her. Now he realizes she was probably a lot like Dean, but he thinks she would have hugged him more. Losing her the first time was considerably easier than losing her again, but he never really had her, did he?

_**Hey now, all you children**_

_**Leave your lights on**_

_**You better leave your lights on**_

Sarah almost made him believe again. With her bright sparkle he remembered what life was like without the hunt, but the darkness couldn't even let him have that. Leaving her had been difficult, but losing her would have been more than he could take. Dean was right; there was just no place for a woman in his life.

_**'Cause there's a monster**_

_**Livin' under my bed**_

_**Whisperin' in my ear**_

_**And there's an angel**_

_**With her hand on my head**_

_**She say I got nothing to fear**_

When the demon crawled inside him, whispering at first, he saw what life would be like if he gave in to the evil inside. Then it took over, banishing him to the furthest corners of his own mind, letting him see only what it wanted. Sam was forced to watch himself do terrible things, say terrible things. He still has nightmares about the look on Jo's face when he, it, said those awful things. Dean saved him, as always, with his eternal faith and unshakeable love.

_**There's a darkness**_

_**Livin' deep in my soul**_

_**Still got a purpose to serve**_

_**So let your light shine**_

_**Deep into my hole**_

In so many ways, Sam wouldn't exist without his brother. Dean raised him, trained him, and took care of him when all their father could see was the hunt. Sam could always count on Dean to have his back, he knew his brother would die before he let anything happen to Sam, but what Dean didn't know, what he would never be able to understand, is that Sam didn't know how to live without him.

_**'n God don't let me loose my nerves**_

_**Don't let me loose my nerves**_

_**Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now**_

_**U-oho, hey now**_

_**Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now**_

Madeline was a mistake. If he had slept with her in the beginning, before everything got complicated, maybe he could have salvaged something, but it still would have ended badly. The sex was amazing, something he somehow managed to forget after Jess, but he always needed it to be about more than just great sex. When she turned, when he saw the monster inside the woman he tried so hard to save, Sam felt a moment of real sympathy for his brother and the position he put him in.

_**Hey now, all you sinners**_

_**Put your lights on**_

_**Put your lights on**_

When Maddy turned, Sam instinctively did what he always did, he ran to his brother for help. All his life, with everything from skinned knees to bullies at school, whenever things got painful, Sam ran to Dean for help. For his part, Dean never hesitated to take up whatever burden Sam was laying at his feet; it's what a big brother does after all, but this time, just this once, Dean was forced to leave Sam to carry it alone.

_**Hey now, all you children**_

_**Leave your lights on**_

_**You better leave your lights on**_

When Maddy took his gun, when she pressed it against his chest, Sam understood for the first time what he had asked his brother to do. Dean tried to save Sam from this, tried to save some small part of his brother's innocence, but Sam just couldn't let him. Maddy asked him to save her, and when he couldn't save her, she asked him to save everyone else from her. This was something sacred, something important, something only Sam could do. That's what Dean will never understand. If someone has to kill you, it's easier if they love you, and it's easier if you love them back. He and Maddy didn't love each other, but they cared, and that's not nothing.

_**'Cause there's a monster**_

_**Livin' under my bed**_

_**Whisperin' in my ear**_

_**And there's an angel**_

_**With her hand on my head**_

_**She say I got nothing to fear**_

When he walked back into the living room Sam's hand shook as he leveled the gun at her chest, hesitating at the thought of ending such a beautiful life. Maddy had more strength in that moment than Sam ever thought possible. She crossed the room, pulling Sam into a tight hug with the gun pressed between them. Leaning up, she whispered softly, _it's alright Sam, I forgive you._ When she stepped back he pulled the trigger, refusing to allow himself to look away. Sam has never told Dean what happened when he went back into the room, and Dean will never ask; he doesn't want to know.

_**She say**_

_**la ilaha il allah**_

_**you gonna shine like star**_

_**la ilaha il allah**_

_**you gonna shine like star**_

Sometimes Sam wonders what will happen to them, if this is all they are ever going to have, and then he looks at his brother and knows it's enough. It's enough that they have each other; it has to be, because at the end of the day there's nothing else. Sam likes to dream sometimes of a life without hunting, but he never dreams about a life without Dean, because that would be impossible.

_**Let me fade away...**_


End file.
